Stepping Off The Cliff Into the Unknown December 2005
It was beginning of December of 2005. I was preparing for a weekend workshop, which was to start the very next day. For days, I'd been feeling that I didn't want to hold the workshop. Something wasn't right. Some pressure in my body that wouldn't let up and at times got unbearable kept bringing my attention to my workshop. I didn't want to hold it. But why not? I had no logical answer. Without a good reason, I couldn't cancel the workshop. I couldn't let all those people down who were counting on me to facilitate a constellation for them.
Hence, I applied the good old grin and bear it method, hoping I'd be fine the next day. Then, around 5 pm, out of the blue, I was overcome with a flash-knowing. I was sitting on the floor, going over some paper work, when the epiphany came out of nowhere like a lightening bolt. It was not a physical experience at all. The best description I can give is that a direct-knowing suddenly took hold in me. Suddenly, I had access to information that a moment ago, I didn't have.
Totally baffled, I sat motionless and allowed the knowing to ripple through my body. An event like this has the power to change one's life forever. That's certainly what happened to me. From that moment on, I would never be the same.
The flash-knowing lasted only an instant but it felt like thirty minutes or so passed. The knowing was so vast and profound, I could have never come to it via study, research, contemplation, logical thought or rational deduction. As strange as that may sound, suddenly I knew our bodies are hollow and empty. No actual person exists as a distinct part of the body even though that's what we all assume.
At that time, I saw directly that all bodies are void, much like the bodies of dolls or puppets. Our bodies do not belong to anybody. They have no owner, no controller, no manipulator. No personal self is in charge of them. I saw that human beings are like puppets in a puppet show, walking and talking empty shells, hollow, see-through characters in a play. Seeing this was the strangest thing.
The second thing I saw was that as long as I worked on the level of the soul field, which is the level of the personal self, I would never be able to make a real difference in a person's life. All of a sudden I understood that the soul field or soul was nothing sacred or divine as our respected teachers and experts advocate. I now knew directly that the word soul could be exchanged for the term humanity's collective memory bank. What we think of as soul is the collector and memory-keeper of every thought, feeling, emotion and experience belonging to all human beings who've ever lived, as well as all animals and all other life forms back to the first single cell organisms.
Soul encapsulates humanity's collective story line. Problems are built-into it. They are a given there. I saw clearly that a problem-free existence at the level of soul wasn't possible. Therefore, as long as I was working on that level, I could never truly assist a person. Not the way I had always wanted. It became painfully obvious that I'd been taking people in circles with my transformative processes. I saw so clearly now how, as soon as one issue was solved, another one would pop up in a week, a month or a year. It was inevitable. I saw this was going on with all other types of therapeutic work also. All helping professionals were like the blind leading the blind. We were all treading water, going nowhere, although we were thinking we were so great with the work we were doing. In truth, we were doing nothing at all, just going round in circles, accomplishing absolutely nothing in terms of getting people truly free.
As I was sitting on the floor dumbfounded, I began to ask: who or what are we? Who or what operates these bodies, lives these lives, eats, drinks, laughs and cries when there is no person inside a body? It was clear we were not what we took ourselves to be. But who or what were we? None of it made sense. Then, more questions appeared: why does nobody else see this? And why was there a whole industry engaged in working on the self, improving the self, making the self better, happier and whatever - when I now knew that human beings are empty and hollow?
Even though I didn't know what to do with any of this information, it was clear I could not offer Family Constellation Work any longer. How could I possibly take money from people and tell them I was going to help them find solutions to their problems when I knew I was taking them in circles? Plus, I understood that people were essentially empty. How could I say with a good conscience I that would help them? Help a puppet be a better puppet....?
Within seconds my life's work, which I thought I would do for the rest of my life because I loved it so much, had turned into a ridiculous absurdity. Knowing I would actively keep people from finding true freedom was enough for me to not want to continue my work a moment longer. I did not think about how else I would earn money and what I was going to do with my life. After all, I had invested many years in the study of effective transformative approaches and in building my business. My work was my life. Yet, I did not think about any of that when I decided to stop.
All I knew was that I was taking people in circles with my work and that I wasn't really making a difference in people's lives. That was enough for me to stop everything right then and there. That evening I canceled my weekend workshop, which was to start the next day. A short while later, I sent out an email to all my clients and contacts announcing I was closing the doors to my business and that I was no longer available to facilitate Constellation Work. I walked away from the work that had been my whole life for over fifteen years. Read here what happened next.